woman in black knit cap and red shirt

I miss the comfort in being sad

Lyrics by Kurt Cobain

I haven’t been posting much recently, unless you count the WordPress stories feature I played around with last week to show off my fresh-from-the-salon tresses. I’m not impressed with these stories, BTW. They’re not an acceptable substitute for Instagram — which I’m still not using.

I haven’t been posting because I haven’t felt like writing. But today, I need to get this shit that’s been rattling around my mind out of my head and onto this pristine white screen.

I’m angry.

I’ve been angry for a hot second. You may have noticed if you read Things That Are Not Cool to Say to a Person With Disabilities.

But since last week, when I found out about the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v Wade via a cheeky text from my brother — because I’m not reading the news, either — I’ve been feeling like a cartoon bull. While I may appear calm to the casual observer, my inner being is stamping her hooves, expelling clouds of smoke through her flared nostrils, and waiting for some stupid motherfucker to prance in front of me with a red flag.

The whole vision has me seriously contemplating a septum piercing. What do you think?

mood

Anger has its place, though. It spurs us into action and helps us identify where things need to change.

From my point of view, overturning Roe is about more than taking away a woman’s bodily autonomy. When I think back to a younger version of myself, — the angry punk who learned about feminism from worshipping Kathleen Hanna — I can honestly say she never saw this coming. She never thought she’d live to see this day…

Years later, nearly-40 me isn’t so shocked. I’ve lived long enough to both witness firsthand and learn from hours of independent research that the powers that be really don’t care about women. Maybe that’s not true, but they definitely don’t see us as equals.

How many women out there have never felt oppressed?

I’m a person who insists on asking a tree’s permission before pruning branches, so confronting the fact that others feel they have the right to take women’s access to safe abortions is a hard pill.

But it’s one I haven’t swallowed. Not today. Instead, this hard pill remains lodged in my throat until I decide on the most effective means of dispelling it. I plan to take out not only one stupid fool, but the whole damn system.

Anyway, what does this all have to do with being sad?

Anger is a fiery emotion.

My recent studies in witchcraft have helped me understand the way different elements (earth, air, water, fire) feed, destroy, and balance each other. They’ve also taught me that the witch trials were really just a big show that allowed puritans to execute women for any reason.

This Nirvana song lyric has been swirling through my head recently. I think it’s because I’m craving the watery relief of sadness to balance my anger inferno. I’m a Cancer, and it’s Cancer season.

What do Cancer’s do best?

We cry.

Not only that, but we remind you how good it is to cry every so often, or regularly. Recently, I’ve been seeking relief in my cleansing tears. I rewatched the finale of Stranger Things Season 3 — one of the top television episodes of all time, and the most direct path to a bawling fit IMHO. The ending is so good because: a) that Neverending Story scene is brilliant, and b) it just keeps getting sadder and sadder.

Not gonna lie, I actually felt slightly jealous that my husband was watching it for the first time because I remember my first time being so much more…

sad.

Leaning into sadness helps me diffuse the rage and feel more human. It’s emotional alchemy.

In fact, I had a good cry right before writing this post. If you’re in need of a good tearjerker, I highly recommend this Semi-Rad essay on the loss of a beloved dog.

And if you’re feeling called to help women in need access safe abortions, you can donate to this gofundme. FreeFrom is an amazing organization that helps survivors of intimate partner violence. Please check them out, if you want!

That’s all I have for now, but I’ll keep you posted on my attempts to change the world.

Cover image via Pexels

9 thoughts on “I miss the comfort in being sad”

  1. It’s tough being a woman in a patriarchal world but that’s why we need to fight harder than ever to be equals. I hope everything works out well for you guys and that this isn’t the start of a downward spiral!

  2. Oh how I can relate to this post. I keep my opinions about political shit to myself but the crying part I will touch on. I am on a medication that doesn’t allow me to cry and I was trying to explain to another beautiful soul my need to cry. Tears help me process. They revive me. They cleanse me. They calm me. They comfort me. So I bet you can imagine what I have been since no tears shed. Yup; angry. For transparency I recently quit the medication and I am just waiting on the moment my eyes spew glorious tears!!! I appreciate your brief sharing of your political opinion and I agree. With all of it. It’s a delicate subject and you touched on it with dignity.

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that you haven’t been able to cry! That sounds so frustrating.

      I agree— tears are cleansing. They dissolve any hard feelings that have calcified on the heart and wash them away 💜

      When I wrote this, I was breaking down in tears 4-5 times a day. It was a rough patch to move through but now I feel sweet relief! Taking time to cry and let myself feel those tender emotions helps the process move more swiftly 🌊

      Hoping you have some healing tears soon! 😭

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